Wishbone

CLASPING THE WISHBONE

~Kara Aya-Welland
 


 

Mom’s seventieth
birth year gift was Canyon Ranch
three Welland girls go

Canyon Ranch haikus
come from “Writing to Wellness”
will it help? yes please!

two sisters ate lunch
together they sat and talked
nothing yet something

dedicated to
my always present, loving
sister: hope – joy – love

 

The Journey

armpit bump I found
what could it be? infection?
one side? possibly

one year and three docs
later one says wait or test
I say wait but Dad

smart experienced
says “no” just know and then
we’ll all feel okay

5/29/03
was the biopsy date then
I waited waited

silly me I did
not realize what could be
two plus weeks later

remotely I think
yikes could it possibly be
cancer could it be

yuck lung surgery
here I come ready or not
so scared I am

the surgery is
unsuccessful – wtf?
chemo radiation

now what? the pain begins
port put in to start the flow
intravenously

this port don’t like it
it makes me nauseous
chemo nurses mean

don’t sit there you’re
not checked in – but I’m going
to throw up right now!

camptosar and cisplatin
no go so try something new
feel sick all the time

lung radiation
with the chemo and to a
wheelchair I must go

now it’s in the neck
hey don’t lung cancers spread to
the brain? no symptoms

don’t worry we would
know you’d fall down seize not move
you’re fine for neck surgery

Dr. Nussenbaum
from heaven above says let’s
check before we cut

they’re wrong two big brain
tumors are in the front, no
surgery today

full brain radiation
sounds so fun doesn’t it?
hair falls fast friends visit

back to work I go
seems better until they say
spinal tap for you

oh chocolate styxx
you help me so the surprise
my office friends send

dinners work provides
my colleagues treat me so well
do they realize?

I hope so they make
me stronger than they will know
I fight to get back

is it over yet?
not sure I can live like this
maybe it’s stop time

emotionally
I’m ready for it to end
my life, my choices

I could stop today
if I wanted maybe I
should and live yes LIVE!!!

you’re responsible
don’t give up not yet dear friend
make yourself happy

what life do I want
I want to surf play guitar
and enjoy the sun

dye my hair blond
buy a convertible
eat whatever I want to

Party on Wayne!
life is all good, so let’s go
now not tomorrow

the journey is not
over but one day I hope
I pray it to be

 

Hair

chemo will take your
hair Dr. Ali says one day
radiation too

I’m not vain really
control is what I want so
take it take it now

my hairdresser says “no
my aunt kept hers longer
than she thought – wait!”

trust the hairdresser
I wait and GIRL she is right!
then a wig I think

real hair not poly
loving Mom takes me quickly
expensive oh well

hair is thin don’t you
lie it’s time for it to go
see you soon I hope

Seattle friends buy
beautiful scarves to spoil me
so many choices

ever wonder what
kind of head you have? were you
dropped as a baby?

outside gardening
forget the wig tree wears it
wig no more for me

hey docs only once
do you get to take my hair
make it count

hair hair won’t you grow
a year it takes whaa whaa whaa
patience I have not

guess I am that vain
get comfortable in your skin
really it’s okay!

 

Upchuck

carry vomit bags
Milan flight with Eriko
oh no here it comes

Boston just three blocks
what makes me think I can catch it?
yuck Julie sorry!

but oh there’s more at
lunch and here it comes Gina:
“good friends carry vomit”

 

The Conversation
~Kara Aya-Welland & Sasha Welland

I will make it through
one way or another
I’m gonna getcha

strange how slanting sun
calls that numb winter call up
lump in your armpit

disbelief

cancer? nah, nah, nah
disbelief is what I had
it’s not possible

people say you’re fine
healthy fit a fine athlete
it couldn’t get you

please take a breath
inhale and slowly exhale
it may be your last

run fast run faster
your number pinned to your chest
count miles count days count

close your eyes and think
it will all be over soon
cut it cut it out

searching for answers

searching for answers
there aren’t any stop searching
I just can’t can’t

Doc Battafarano
says use my office his books
give no more answers

internet obsessed
make me stop please HELP ME
maybe numb is good

secluded within
belly of cold medical
library alone

studying studies
cisplatin plus camptosar
queasy equations

confusion buried in the
numbers in the stacks
of information

inhibited by
a belief in inhibitors
from going deeper

hypothecary
stocked with sterile statistics
potions for escape

prognosis

from Dr. Safdar
my oncologist I hear
one year left to live

ha my last laugh I
make it past your prediction
how long no god knows

big sis Sasha flies in
as always she’s by my side
great sisterly love!

what would I do with
out her she lets me cry and laugh
then cry cry some more

you spoke to the nurse
mainlined through the phone line
her fatal message

seven syllables
you have one year left to live
no one wants to hear

playing hooky from
your death sentence we rented
a park pedal boat

skimming the water
we laugh like world’s fair goers
immune to phantoms

passing time

warm days feel happy
no cares for today, why you ask
it’s Saturday, yea!

weekends pass so fast
wonder in lazy idle
rest up for new times

shopping therapy
always makes me feel better
hmmm… a purse, new shoes

Nordstroms is good
as is life I find – cancer
sure wakes you up fast

bored, bored – projects need
knit, quilt, sew, play games
spend money – it’s fun!

oprah oh oprah
ellen ricki dr. phil
regis and kelly

so who wants to be
our next top reality
star search survivor

your’re my monk my house
my crime scene cold case closer
and law and order

treatment

drugs yuck I hate them
sutent, temodar, keppra
dexamethasone

but wait there are more
kytril, zofran, marinol
and VP-16

after so much vomiting
I need a relaxant before chemo
lorazopan works

knock me out better
I do not feel let me sleep
I can make it then

sign your life away
the intern politely asks
clipboard clutched tight

boggle then scrabble
words puzzled out by twilight
we want you to win

stripped and shaved
they bring a white plastic bag
for whatever’s left

pain

ugh lung surgery
what? pain for a year? yeah, right?
five years later pain’s still there

please use the port please
better for you and for me
trust me I know

brain surgery’s not so bad
does the city hurt as much as me
it’s just bad hat head

no more morphine no
hate the nightmare dreams it brings
no percocet either

waiting room eyes wide
wild thunderstorms strike the night
pitch black but not you

attendings whisper
power’s out at home until you
tell them whose head aches

surfacing from pain
you proclaim I want the whole
city to hurt this bad

recovery

“early catch” she asked
“NO” stupid checkout lady
mind your business please

doesn’t compare but…
anything you need just ask
it’s not easy to ask

just do cook dinners
laundry company friendship
honest let me be

dogs make me feel good
Lucy snuggles while I struggle
warmth next to me heals

love the friends love time
happy to just be alive
keepin’ it real babe

see my tears hold me
be patient with me I try
can’t always be strong

pink ribboned bouquets
shiver by the air con vent
petals pulled up tight

pink contact lens case
lies eyes open on white tile
like two pills to take

hospital windows
oversee the park’s green edge
horns honk the distance

we’re on a mission
to end cancer forever
such fine promises

just one small tablet
helps you get through your treatment
alchemical ads

cancer cures smoking
cross-stitch writing on the wall
homespun platitudes

brain

eyes head feel funny
sorry summer intern but I got
some big problems

apparently I
have a mid-line shift, a what?
get to hospital now!

right now? can’t at work
how about soon? in an hour?
Dad, can you get me?

gamma knife option?
only on one side they say
need brain surgery

big storm comes that day
hospital power goes out
back-up generator

brain, where did you go?
my memory, are you there?
I can’t remember

brain whole brain whole brain
hole sink memory sink hole
can’t remember what

this chronology
of forgetting radiates
into the future

your records are lost
amputated gone misplaced
remember me please

radiologist
in the bagel shop wonders
at the hole he’s caused

monday’s MRI
that brain that glowed in the dark
sits drinking coffee

you did this to me
she jokes about side effects
guilt’s blade cuts both ways

live today

look I’m doing it
I’m the best Mr. Miagi
it’s about balance

thank you family and friends
I’m so lucky for you all
someone is watching

life is good friends
cherish it now live today
don’t wait love have fun!

heaven please take me
not yet though I want to live more
lots to do need time

dark night clamors at
our window asking why not
why not spring this joint

like peter pan
green hospital gown flapping
toward neverland

seven syllables
five years later take us back
long before this night

spring days carefree sun
shortcuts through neighbors’ yards long
for our kid days past

fun & games

no no no no no
skiing snowboarding my loves
can’t believe I’m scared

all my skiing friends
no permanent damage ’k?
that’s the goal

yet another part
of me is gone to be filled
with other life joys

in last words from me
play it up live large and be
A – L – I – V – E

etch-a-sketch lite-brite
chutes and ladders candyland
monopoly life

trivial pursuit
uno magic eight ball clue
risk operation

a broken heart tweezed
butterflies in the stomach
a hundred points each

wacky doctor game
it’ll leave you in stitches
clasping the wishbone